


See-Saw To Arkansas

by icarus_chained



Category: The Avengers (2012), Wacky Races
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crack, Gen, Humor, Insanity, Racing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-28
Updated: 2012-09-28
Packaged: 2017-11-15 05:25:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/523639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icarus_chained/pseuds/icarus_chained
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the understanding that I am an <i>absolute nutter</i> ... have a quick Avengers/Wacky Races Fusion?</p>
            </blockquote>





	See-Saw To Arkansas

**Author's Note:**

> See end notes for character table:

**Race Narrator:** And welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, as we wait for the start of another leg of the infamous Wacky Races! The racers are just lining up to the starter line now, a few minor scuffles aside, so lets introduce the competitors for this year's inaugural Wacky Race:

 

**RN:** Out on the far edge, we have Car 01, the Bouldermobile, drive by the Slag Brothers, Thor Odinsson and Bruce Banner. These two are known for their straightforward tactics and occasional airborne adventures due to ... unusual methods of propulsion. They also have a slight reputation for being sore losers.

**Bruce:** *wryly, as Thor waves to the crowd* I didn't know understatement was a requirement in this job.

 

**RN:** Hush, you. Moving over a spot, in the Number 02 car, we have the Gruesome Foursome, the Lady Sif and the Warriors Three, in their car, the Creepy Coupe. The Creepy Coupe has yet to win a race with this crew, though that hasn't seemed to damp their enjoyment at all.

**Fandral:** We shall vanquish our foes by one means or another, never fear!

**Hogun:** *grimly* If Volstagg does not get us sidelined by an eatery again. Tell Romanov we have not forgotten that one.

**Sif:** *smirks faintly, taps her weapons controls lightly*

 

**RN:** ... Moving on to the Number 03, we have Inventor Tony Stark, in his Convert-a-Car. The Convert-a-Car holds the record in this race for the least stoppable car on the field, despite relatively few direct victories, which a number of competitors appear to have taken as a challenge.

**Tony:** *grinning darkly* Oh, no worries there. There isn't a mechanic in this race can keep up with me. Bring it, baby.

 

**RN:** In the Number 04 spot, we have Johann Schmidt, the Red Skull, in his Crimson Haybailer. The Red Skull has a reputation for being one of the more rough-and-tumble racers in the pack, but is slightly prone to crashing in actual races.

**Schmidt:** _Assisted_ crashing. And rest assured, every instance will be avenged.

 

**RN:** ... Yes. Well. Moving on. Car 05, the Compact Pus ... I beg your pardon, the Black Widow, driven by the lovely Miss Natasha Romanov. A fine racer who has never been accused of cheating or running bait in all her long record.

**Natasha:** *smiles sweetly, and puts the finishing touches to her jewelry with a faint crackle*

 

**RN:** Over in spot Number 06, we have the Army Surplus Special, driven by General 'Thunderbolt' Ross and manned in the turret section by Emil Blonsky, also known as the Abomination for his trigger-happy tendencies. The Army Surplus Special has yet to finish a race, and is particularly prone to running afoul of the numbers 01, 02, 03, and 07. None of the racers have any comment on this.

**Ross:** I'll _bet_ they don't.

**Blonsky:** *waves, grinning* Tell Banner and the Lady Sif I'll be seeing them soon.

 

**RN:** *snittily* Deliver your own messages, Blonsky. Meanwhile, in the Number 07, we have Maria Hill behind the wheel of Chug-a-boom for the SHIELD Mob, accompanied by Nicholas Fury, Phillip Coulson, and Clint Barton. The Mob are well known for running interference for other racers, and for complications arising from their, ah, 'extracurricular activities'. They have never yet failed to finish a race, however.

**Maria:** *smiles grimly* And guess why.

**Nick:** *leaning back, arms crossed* Keep an eye on the Double-Zero and the Haybailer, Coulson. Barton, try to stay in the right car, this time. And make with the weaponry, all of youse.

**Phil, Clint:** Sure thing, boss.

 

**RN:** Keeping pace with the Mob in Number 08, the Turbo Terrific, we have Steve Rogers. One of the most clean-cut and well-regarded racers in the pack, known for giving aid where necessary to any and all competitors. This, despite a strange tendency to be on-hand for the mishaps that tend to befall the number 04 and 00 cars.

**Steve:** ... Sometimes, a man just doesn't get there in time? *shrugs innocently*

 

**RN:** *dryly* I'm sure. On the Terrific's left, we have the Number 09, the Arkansas Chugabug ...

**Rhodey** : You've got no such thing.

**RN:** *startled* I beg your pardon?

**Bucky:** *with a thin smile* He said, Arkansas nothing. We're the Bash Brothers, original flavour. And the car is the Jamesmobile. 

**RN:** I'm not sure one can change registrations immediately before the race ...?

**Bucky:** *raises eyebrow* Sure. Which is why you called Miss Romanov's car the 'Compact Pussycat', right?

**RN:** ... And in Car 09, the Jamesmobile, we have the Bash Brothers, James Barnes and James Rhodes. Satisfied, gentlemen?

**Rhodey:** *serenely* It'll do.

**Tony, Steve, Natasha, Clint** : *snickering faintly at their respective cars*

 

**RN:** Nearing the end of the line-up, we have the Buzzwagon at Number 10, driven by Ivan Vanko and his partner, Justin Hammer. Much like the Surplus Special, the Buzzwagon has never finished a race. Most often due to the efforts of Tony Stark in the 03, or Miss Romanov in the Black Widow, though nothing has ever been conclusively proven by race officials.

**Hammer:** *spluttering* It's a fix-job! The Romanov woman, she has the officials wrapped around her finger! And if she doesn't, Stark bribes them!

**Vanko:** *reaches over and casually shoves his hand over Hammer's mouth* You are forgetting Hammer.

**RN:** ... Forgetting Hammer what?

**Vanko:** *calmly* We are falling afoul of Hammer just as often. *smiles* Not to worry. This will be fixed shortly.

**Hammer:** *wild eyed*

 

**RN:** ... Yes. Well. I'm sure the field is looking forward to that. Ahem. Rounding out the field, trailing the pack in Car Double-Zero, the Mean Machine, we have Loki Laufeysson, widely considered the most dastardly, fiendish, cheating bastard on the field.

**Loki:** *smirks* You flatter me. And technically, I'm adopted, not a bastard.

**RN:** *ignores, and adds spitefully* Mr Laufeysson used to be accompanied in the Mean Machine by Clint Barton of the SHIELD Mob, but a slight case of treachery during one of the races last season resulted in the Mean Machine running afoul of the Slag Brothers and spectacularly failing to finish. Barton has spent subsequent races with riding in Chug-a-boom, or, occasionally, the Black Widow.

**Loki:** *flaring temper, grim* And rest assured, it'll come back to haunt him. And you, if you're not careful with your tongue.

 

**RN:** ... I'm quivering. In anticipation, that is. Ladies and gentlemen, the inaugural race of this season's Wacky Races is about to start! Racers, please enter your automobiles, and start your engines or engine equivalents now!

*scramble as the racers get into position, and an unholy cacophony as various engine-analogues start themselves up*

**RN:** Ready on my mark. Three, two, one ... 

*horn blares, the Creepy Coupe and the Turbo Terrific are first off the line, and all eleven cars lurch into motion* 

AND THEY'RE OFF! Ladies and gentlemen, the Wacky Races are GO!

**Author's Note:**

> Wacky Racers and their MCU matchups:
> 
> 01) Bouldermobile (The Slag Brothers) - Bruce & Thor  
> 02) Creepy Coupe (Gruesome Twosome) - Sif & the Warriors Three  
> 03) Convert-a-Car (Professor Pat Pending) - Tony Stark  
> 04) Crimson Haybailer (Red Max) - Red Skull  
> 05) Compact Pussycat (Penelope Pitstop) - Natasha Romanov (in the Black Widow)  
> 06) Army Surplus Special (Sgt Blast & Pvt Meekley) - General 'Thunderbolt' Ross & Emil Blonsky  
> 07) Chug-a-boom (Ant Hill Mob) - SHIELD Mob (Nick, Maria, Phil, Clint)  
> 08) Turbo Terrific (Peter Perfect) - Steve Rogers  
> 09) Arkansas Chugabug (Lazy Luke & Blubber Bear) - Bucky & Rhodey (in the Jamesmobile)  
> 10) Buzzwagon (Ruffcut & Sawtooth) - Ivan Vanko & Justin Hammer  
> 00) Mean Machine (Dick Dastardly & Mutley) - Loki, Clint as ex-Mutley (yes, I went there)


End file.
